Husband and Wife go to Home Depot for a new screen door, come home, water plants and flowers in front yard, then watch tv. Wife turns on Big Bang Theory, watches for a while, falls asleep on couch. Husband watches Big Bang rerun about Sheldon getting a “girlfriend” who is smart and adores his physics knowledge (pre-Amy Farah-Fowler), then goes to his computer in his office to check Facebook. Husband reads a friend’s post entitled “Interview with the Dog”. Husband hasn’t had anything to write about Dog in months, and suddenly gets an idea. Husband interviews Dog.
H: Hi Dog, thanks for talking with us today. Everyone wants to know not only what it’s like to be a dog, but what it’s like being Wife and Husband’s dog.
D: Hi. Oh-yes, I just love them. They’re nice to me, and they give me lots of attention. You know, I normally eat breakfast at 6-7am every morning. My dinner is at 6pm on the days when they work, and at noon when they’re home. But I hear that Wife is the one who makes me wait past noon on those days, and I don’t like that. Makes me crazy. It’s Husband who feeds me on time, and on those days where he can tell that I’m especially hungry, he’ll feed me early. I love that. He gives me plenty of cold water too, and I like that a lot. They say I drink enough for two dogs, and when I’m outside doing business #1, I make a pond. But no matter what, Wife is my favorite. She is always #1, but Husband is a good #2.
H: Was the pun intended?
D: Of course! Husband likes puns too!
H: I see. All righty then. Sooo….do you get a lot of snacks?
D: I get a peanut butter flavored biscuit every morning at breakfast, and it’s awesome! Oh my God, I always eat it first! Husband laughs at me on those days when I’m so hungry at breakfast that I turn circles. But that’s about it. I am not a big chow-hound like other dogs are, so I don’t care a lot about food, but I’d eat a whole bag of those peanut butter biscuits if I could!
H: Do they let you go outside whenever you want to?
D: Yeah, but at the end of the night they make me go out one last time when I don’t want to, because they know I have business. So they drag me out there anyways, I do business #1, then come back in. Other times, I wish they would let me stay outside a little longer, but I’ve heard that they don’t because they don’t want me to get into trouble. I don’t know what they’re talking about, because I’m on a chain. Where am I going to go?
H: They tell me that they don’t like to leave you out there because there are times where they catch you eating your own business #2, and that upsets them.
D: (embarrassed) Oh my God, they’re not supposed to see me doing that! They’re not supposed to know!
H: Why do you do that??
D: (withdraws and gets quiet) Can’t tell, it’s a doggie-secret.
H: Ok. Maybe they don’t let you outside for long because you like to bark at people and dogs who are passing by, even if you can only see them for a second before they disappear from view.
D: Oh-yeah, I do like to bark at them once or twice, but I’m not a yakety-yakety-yak-yak-yak like other dogs. Sometimes I’m saying hello, but most of the time I’m telling them that I’m here, and it’s my party so I’ll bark if I want to. Mostly though, I just watch. I love watching everything that goes on. When I’m in the house, there’s a window right by the front door that’s at my level, and I love to sit there and watch all the passersby.
You know, just the other day, Husband met BarnGuy, who lives in the house behind us. He has a yellow barn and SmallDog. BarnGuy says that his girlfriend enjoys watching me watch them and SmallDog on his chain. I’ve been watching him for a while now – SmallDog’s cute, but he’s a bit too young for me.
H: Oh, come on, we know you’re a cougar – don’t forget that Boyfriend is much younger than you.
D: Well, yeah, but SmallDog has to grow up just a little bit more before he’s cougar material! I don’t take puppies!!
H: And what about Boyfriend?
D: Well, he’s in Rochester. I’m in Buffalo. So I’m on the prowl. And I’ll bet Boyfriend’s hanging out with some new girls anyway. Of course, he’ll need a few girls, because one wouldn’t be enough to make up for me! Wife watches NCIS and on that show, they would say that I’ve got a BOLO for a new man (Be On the Look Out).
H: (laughing) Ok-0k I get it. Dogs will be dogs. But you know, I have something to tell you. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news Dog, but I should take this opportunity to tell you that Boyfriend has gone to Doggie-Heaven. So has ScaredyDog.
(Dog breaks down and cries lots of doggie-tears for a very long time, then wipes an eye with a paw)
D: Do you have a tissue?
H: Yes, but you couldn’t hold onto it. You know, the opposable thumbs thing..
D: Oh-yes, you’re right. Forgot about that. Never mind, I’m ok. But oh-my, I’m so sorry to hear this. I hope they’re doing well in Doggie-Heaven. I’ll miss them.
H: Yes, and so do we.
H: All righty. Onto something different. How’s your health?
D: Well, it’s okaaay. You know, I’ve had a stomach problem since I was a puppy. Husband thinks that it started when I ate a bunch of foil-wrapped vitamins or something, foil and all. Anyway, from time to time my stomach acts up, and I don’t know why. Last week, I ate some grass and then it threw up later, in the house. A few days ago, I threw up something more solid. This kind of thing just happens every so-many months. Wife and Husband are good about it though, they don’t yell at me, and try to take me outside.
H: Wife and Husband do what they can. One of their more mundane jobs is to watch you do your business #2 to be sure there’s no blood or other problems in it.
D: They do that for me?? Oh-my, that’s so nice of them. I like how they take care of me. I’m so happy-happy!
H: It’s not nice for them, but they’re happy that you’re happy.
H: And here’s the big question that our readers are dying to know the answer to. Remember your first deer incident in your new house in Buffalo?
D: So that’s what they’re called. They’re bigger than me, but I’m not scared of them. And I don’t like them at all!
H: Yes. On the cold rainy afternoon when you broke the makeshift chain that Husband made out of clothesline. You chased the deer through the back yard, nearly gave Wife a heart attack because she thought you were lost for good, and then turned around and came back to the house, when it was your first time at the house.
D: Sure, I remember.
H: So why did you come back? How did you know where to come back to? Other dogs would have either chased the deer forever, or would have never found their way back home. Either of which would have broke Wife and Husband’s hearts.
D: Now that’s not just a doggie-secret. It’s my secret.
H: (sighs) Uh-huh. Well, there you have it folks, or more accurately, there you don’t.
H: By the way, did you know that Husband writes a blog about you, and this interview is going to appear in it?
D: What’s a blog, and what’s an interview??
H: It doesn’t matter. It really means that you’re a celebrity of sorts.
D: Really?! Wow! You know, I’ll just have to get my hair done for this!
H: Don’t worry, no pictures on this one.
D: Oh, ok. But I’m a celebrity! Does that mean I get more peanut butter biscuits? Does it? Huh, huh??
H: I’m sorry, but it doesn’t. It means that you’ve got a lot of media coverage via the Internet and social media via Facebook.
D: (somewhat puzzled) Ok, I guess. But I’m a celebrity!
H: We have time for one more question. Is there anything that you wish Wife and Husband did differently?
D: I’d love a bag of peanut butter biscuits every day! Really though, they could pick up the old business #2 in the back yard a little more often. I like walking around and around before settling on a spot to do business, and when there’s a lot of old business in the way, I have to be more careful about where I’m walking. You’ve got to clear out the old business to make room for the new business.
I’d love to run loose all over the neighborhood. I’d chase the rabbits and the terrorist squirrels and play with all the other dogs I’d meet along the way. I’d get to check out SmallDog too, and see what he’s all about. And I’d like to not be in the crate so much. They always put me in there when they go away. I was in the crate a lot less when Husband worked from home, but now he doesn’t do that anymore. At least they play music to keep me company. Wife used to play the radio for me, but now my crate is in Husband’s office. So he made a playlist on his computer. It’s called “Dog” and has a few hundred songs on it, just for me.
I wouldn’t mind going to Doggie Day Care a little more often. I’ve been to the place here in Buffalo a couple of times, and it doesn’t compare to Rochester where all my buddies are, but I would be nice to go every once in a while. Or maybe go for walks. I used to pull the chain real hard, but now they put this funky thing on my nose called a halty. I don’t like it, but I walk much better with them because of it.
H: I can talk to them about clearing out the old business, but running loose in the neighborhood is definitely out. Having you out of the crate when Wife and Husband are away is out too. You’d get yourself into waaay too much trouble, very quickly. On the other hand, a little more walking and Doggie Day Care could be possible, and I’ll see what I can do to get you an extra biscuit or two. Thanks for talking with us today.
D: I’m a celebrity!
Dog walks out of Husband’s office and lays down on floor in a heap, right next to couch where Wife is sleeping.